Year of the Beard

I was at a party this past weekend when, to my amazement, I noticed four dudes sporting full beards. Right then it hit me harder than a double shot of Jack Daniels with no chaser.

Beards are incredible.

Not only do they sound like “beers” but they also contain the word “bear.” Does no one else think this is amazing?!

Beards have many benefits. Aside from hiding your ugly mug from the world, they will immediately grant you clout.

Think of all the great men that have sported memorable facial hair over the years: Abraham Lincoln, (drugged out) Jim Morrison, Santa Claus, Chuck Norris, Jesus, etc. I could go on forever. Hell, even the bearded lady was impressive. Beards = Instant respect.

To see the impact of a beard, check out Johnny Damon when he was with the Boston Red Sox and compare him as he is now with the New York Yankees.

Beards are the ultimate masculine characteristic. I’m not exaggerating. (I avoid hyperbole at all costs.) Any one that doesn’t appreciate the greatness of a beard is just upset they can’t grow one themselves. It’s similar to how women get so pissed when guys pee wherever they want when we’re drunk. They’re just insanely jealous they can’t do it.

Shaving sucks. Nobody likes doing it. Another benefit of beards is that they allow you to walk around for weeks without caring for them. You might look like a caveman, but at least you don’t have to shave.

Yet another benefit of facial hair is that it will make you look much older. This is good for two reasons. First, women like the older men. Second, if you’re having trouble getting booze, a beard is an instant access card. Forget a fake ID, grow a beard and no one will ever card you. Actually, come to think of it, that last bit probably isn’t true.

Aside from stumbling into that late-night Irish pub and that time I stole my dad’s Bob Dylan records, growing a beard has been the best decision of my life. Naysayers can say whatever they want, but my bearded brethren and I will be scratching laughing all the way to the bank.

Fellas, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, beards would be it. Beards convey the courageous, non-conformist, counter-culture, “stick-it-the-man” attitude that makes the world go round. If Sally Sucksatlife isn’t feeling your “personality” or social awkwardness, she’ll definitely fall head-over-heels for your grizzly man-beard.

I guarantee it.